what the bloggery

“You know,” said Nat. “On your blog, you make it look like I’m some crazy person who spouts Pulp Fiction lines as non sequitur.”

“Well…you do,” I replied.

“I know! But when you put it down like that, it just looks crazy.”

“Riiight.”

A moment passed. She grinned like a crazy person, and then:

“EVERYBODY BE COOL THIS IS A STRAWB’RRY.”

This is my life. Isn’t it fabulous?

–

I was supposed to do my Iron Man post today, but I got a little sidetracked with actual work and I’m going to be away from the computer for the majority of the evening. When I return, however, Iron Man will have to wait, because Nat and I will be off to see THE GOLDEN FUCKIN’ ARMY. Fuck yeah we are. Maybe I’ll even be able to write a review for it when we get back to the apartment. If I can manage anything other than squirrelly chirping and shrieking.

*rolls around* IT NEEDS TO BE 8:30 RIGHT NOW.

I am officially three posts behind. Oh well! The internet gods are not often fair. Also it’s been a long time since I was blogging regularly, you know, on the livejournal. How in the ever-loving hell did I find the time? I did start this post last night, but after eating my fill of delicious Nat-baked bread and getting season 4 of Atlantis in the mail, I was sort of distracted.

(Srsly though, that bread was fucking delicious. There were figs and dates and nuts involved. Mmmm. Bread.)

Wonderful baked goods aside, I am here to talk about the Hulk. Let it be on record that, like most comic book movies, I never actually thought I’d go in and see the movie. I certainly didn’t want to see the 2003 Hulk. Matter of fact, I still don’t! For one thing, that one doesn’t have Tony Stark in it. But Iron Man is another post entirely.

So yes—there we are, right after Iron Man, pondering whether or not we should see the Hulk as well. While I do not remember the exact conversation we had that decided our movie-going fate, it probably went something like this:

“It does have Edward Norton in it,” I reasoned.

“Don’t care,” replied Nat, unfazed. “It has Tony Stark.”

“For like five seconds at the end!”

“So?”

“Good point,” I said, for it was a good point. “Tim Roth’s in it, right?”

“EVERYBODY BE COOL THIS IS A ROBBERY yeah okay let’s go see the Hulk.”

And so we did.

—

Don’t quote me or nothin’, but that is most certainly the way I remember it. We went the night after it opened, which probably wasn’t the greatest idea. The theatre crowd we were stuck with were probably all serious movie-goers. They probably did not appreciate that every ten minutes, this could be heard:

“Oh shit Tim Roth,” hissed Nat.

“Seriously,” I would reply.

Ten minutes later:

“Oh shit Tim Roth,” I hissed.

“Seriously,” Nat would reply.

This went on throughout the whole movie. Also, we laughed a lot. Loudly and frequently. Often at odd, awkward things. We were the only two people who cracked the fuck up during the “HULK…SMASH!” scene. It might have been embarrassing if we gave a damn.

We saw it a second time—a week later? Two?—with Jessica from work. This time, the theatre was filled to the brim with nerds. You could tell which ones they were, too, depending on what they laughed at. When Stan Lee appeared (during our first viewing), very few people seemed to notice. During the second viewing, it felt like half the audience burst out laughing. It was good, being surrounded by our fellow geeks.

This time, we were not the only ones to laugh at the Hulk Smash. That was nice.

I haven’t even given my review yet? Here it is: dare I call it incredible? Is that too lame? Do I need to be taken out back and shot?

Let me put it this way, then, to avoid a beating: I paid to see it twice. Granted, I’ve paid to see Iron Man about what, five times now? But the two situations are hardly the same. I rarely see movies in theatres more than once unless they are just that good. And it was! I probably wouldn’t go to see it a third time in theatres, but it was definitely a fun movie. I fully intend to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

TIME TO BREAK IT DOWN:

Bruce Banner:

Oh, alliteration. How precious. I never even referred to him by that name once. Throughout the whole movie I just kept referring to him as Edward Norton. Or Edward-Norton-Hulk. I think he was great, though. The reason I like Edward Norton in general is because he looks like a very average guy. You could pass him on the street and not really notice him. This made him playing the freakin’ Hulk so much cooler. He has this deadpan way of acting that I really like. I could swear I could sense some Sheldon Mopes in his Bruce Banner, though, and if you’ve seen Death to Smoochie I’m sure you know what I mean.

Also I really enjoyed Tim Roth smacking him around. Don’t judge me.

The Hulk:

SHINY. I mean that in the literal sense. Not just during the scene in the rain (although yes, especially then), the Hulk always seemed to be glistening slightly. The graphics were so awesome though. I love special effects, shut up. The only thing that bugged me was his hair. How does the gamma radiation affect dead hair? That is a mystery to me, but oh well, who gives a fuck. I love that they tried to give a reason for why his pants manage to stay on when he transforms—we all appreciate it, I’m sure, although I still cannot suspend my disbelief when it comes to the pants. The cameo scene of his big purple Hulk-pants though, that was cute.

Tim Roth:

OH SHIT TIM ROTH. Seriously, he was the deciding factor in us going to see this movie. I loved him so much. He was so fucking badass through the whole thing. Oh yeah, and very hot. It seemed like he was shirtless through half his scenes, and I am not complaining. The one thing I am complaining about is his dialogue; he did not have nearly enough. They had him talking with some sexy Russian accent and he barely had any lines. This was not fair. I love that he was The Abomination. I think my favorite scene of the whole movie was where Sterns exclaims, “Why are you always hitting people?!” when Blonsky knocked out that SHEILD woman whose name I don’t care about.

General Ross:

He had some kind of Creepy Uncle thing going on with Emil Blonsky. That’s really all I remember about him. Oh, and, “Where does she find these guys?”. That was pretty great.

Tony Stark:

It’s fucking Tony Stark. Where could you possibly go wrong with that? The whole minute he spent in Hulk made it 23.6% better as a film. He came in, was hot, was clever, and then the movie was over and everyone was satisfied. You could just sense it in the air. Mmmm, Tony Stark. Anyway.

The romance:

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I did not enjoy that aspect of it at all. It was so nauseatingly Beauty and the Beast. The only thing that made it worth sitting through was when, just as they’re about to get to the sexin’, Edward Norton sheepishly says, “…I can’t get too—excited.” And I laughed my ass off, goddamnit.

Who am I forgetting?

Arwen:

Wait, wrong movie. I think. Whatever. She’s pretty.

Holy crap I’ve been writing this for two hours. Blargh!

Oh, Hellboy. I’m not entirely sure what to say about Hellboy, as it has been several weeks since we watched it, but I shall endeavor to do my best. Also, I promised Nat two posts today since I failed hardcore at producing one yesterday. The next one shall be about the HULK. Whoooo. But first, HELLBOY.

Funny story: when commercials for the first film came out, my thoughts were a bit like, “Huh, I guess that looks good,” and even when my friends confirmed that yes, it was good, I never made the effort to go see it. It wasn’t until I was in the theatre recently for…perhaps Iron Man?, and saw that first trailer for The Golden Army…shit, man. My thoughts went more like this: “JESUSFUCK I NEED TO SEE THAT MOVIE.”

Then I thought, “Huh, I should see the first one.” So I did. Well, we did, the partner in crime and I. Since we are connected at the fan-brain and all.

Goddamn, I don’t even want to talk about Hellboy. I just want to rave and flail my arms about in excitement for The Golden Army. It looks fucking stellar. I’m supposed to work some overtime on opening night, but today I thought about trading for a different night so that I can see it sooner. I am that freaking excited.

Er, back to the topic. Sort of. I have very mixed feelings about Selma Blair’s Liz Sherman. Firstly, when I saw her in the Hellboy trailers, I always thought she was a boy. Seriously. I was even disappointed when I realized she was a girl. I can’t explain that. It’s weird, I know. Although that it is not very important. The reason I am iffy about her is because Liz Sherman in the comic is so. fucking. bad. ass. I love Liz. I only liked Selma Blair’s Liz. I have a suspicion I will grow to like her more after The Golden Army, as I have recently read a snippet about how she’s less bleedin’ emo than she was in Hellboy. That would be super awesome, thanks :D

I ADORE ABE SAPIEN. His voice was driving me crazy throughout the whole thing, though. I kept thinking, “That fucking sounds like David Hyde Pierce!”, but somehow I didn’t think he was going under the pseudonym Doug Jones. Naturally it wasn’t until tonight (while browsing Wiki to refresh my memory) that I discovered David Hyde Pierce did in fact do the voice for Abe. He was just uncredited. Thanks for driving me absolutely batty, DHP, but I am very pleased to discover I was right. And oh yeah, in the subject of comics!Abe and movie!Abe…you know, there’s really not a lot of room to screw up Talking Fish Guy. I’m just sayin’. He’s blue. He wears nifty gear to walk on land. He is also adorable and very amusing.

Hellboy is…Hellboy. There is no room for improvement, because Ron Perlman could not possibly do a better job if he sold his soul to the Devil. Which would be strangely (and hilariously) appropriate. He has a room full of kittens. He eats stacks of pancakes and bacon.

…God, I want to be Hellboy. I REALLY DO. BRING ON THE BIG STONE HAND AND ANDROGYNOUS GIRLFRIEND.

There’s probably room for some kind of your mom joke there, but I am too damn lazy.

Apparently I have ten minutes to make a blog post about Blade: Trinity. This is what I get for promising a daily post: DEADLINES. Only this isn’t so much self-imposed but Nat-imposed, which is much scarier. She carries a knife and wields the fat one, a weapon I dare not tangle with. He’s very fat. Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, Blade. I love Blade. Sometimes, a girl needs an action movie. Just a fucking action movie. I love the explosions and the mindless slaughter and all the goddamn guns. Mostly, though, I loved Hannibal King. I mostly wanted to write something about Blade: Trinity to bring up the fact that Ryan-fucking-Reynolds will be playing Deadpool in the next X-Men movie. Words cannot describe how freakin’ PSYCHED I am about this. I’ve only barely read any Cable and Deadpool but you don’t need to read very much before you fall in some kind of weird, sick love with Deadpool. He’s insane. I like that kind of thing.

(I have, at this point, passed my deadline by an hour. I am so awesome! I got distracted by watching Blade: Trinity. By that, I mean I got distracted by Hannibal King.)

Wikipedia informs me that Ryan Reynold’s Hannibal King bears very little resemblance to the Hannibal King of the Blade comics. I learned from the Blade commentary that he wrote a lot of his dialogue himself. This leads me to believe that Ryan Reynolds is actually quite insane; the kind of insanity that bleeds over from real life and into film. I am so okay with that. This furthers my belief that he is perfect for Deadpool. (As Nat says, “He’s already Deadpool!”)

…well, I think she’s right.

I don’t even care if they make him all cancerous and diseased! IT WILL STILL BE AMAZING. I believe Ryan Reynolds has the power. I believe he will do Deadpool a justice. A fabulous kind of justice.

Now, if I allow myself to go back on topic, if just for a moment… I loved Danica Talos. Ahahah. Wow, do I love her. I didn’t, not at first, when I watched the tremendously edited version of the movie on TV. They managed to cut out just enough of her crazy to make me very disinterested. Also, her brother was played by Callum Keith Rennie and is therefore above reproach. For a fellow who only had about five minute’s worth of screen time throughout the whole movie, he certainly knew how to work them. He always pulls off “skeevy serial killer” and “pretty damn hot” at the same time. That takes skill.

I would have been more than happy if Danica and Asher had been the main villains for Trinity. They were creepy enough. They were interesting enough, not to mention the way they are kind of pretty and crazy together. Alas, no. We got…Drake.

Drake, they call him. I don’t know much about Dracula from the Marvel universe, but I think somehow they managed to turn the lord of the undead into some kind of…I don’t know. David Goyer called this look “Russian Mobster”. I could call it a lot of things. I want to call it a lot of things. They aren’t very nice, however, and I’m a fucking lady, for fuck’s sake.

I know this: he looks like a goddamn idiot. What is with that shirt? I get it, sex appeal! Right? Put your man-cupcakes away, hon, I don’t actually care that much. I get that he’s attractive, I do, I just think they were trying a little too hard and they failed to a stunning degree. Does Blade need more beefcake? They have WESLEY SNIPES (for the sane), Ryan Reynolds (for the insane), Callum Keith Rennie (for the Canadians), and Parker Posey for all of those who may or may not have enjoyed watching her grind her heel into Hannibal King’s chest. And I suppose we’ve also got Jessica Biel. Personally I found her and her “knife of sadness” too overwhelmingly generic.

I think I know what they were trying to do. Maybe they wanted something new. Some kind of Dracula we haven’t seen yet. Something more modern, less Transylvania and more… Metrosexia? Ugh. That was lame. Oh well, it’s almost two in the goddamn morning. Lame jokes and swearing is kind of my thing at this time of night. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS. Dudes who made Blade: I respect what you tried to do! However, I cannot stop myself from mocking you for what you did.

As of this weekend, I have seen all three Blade movies. I think all three of them were fucking badass. I love them, and this is why: You want vampires? You got vampires. You want a scary-ass motherfucker to run around and shoot guns and kill said vampires? You got Wesley Snipes. It’s kind of hard to fuck up a formula like that. I love Blade, because at the end of things, it delivers everything it promises.

…Except werewolves, because that would just be silly.

I have so much crap to talk about that, after being epically nagged to make a new post, I decided to make a series of posts instead of one very long one. One for every day, chronicling the stuff I’ve been watching and reading lately. This also gives me something to do when I’m bored out of my mind at work. I think I’ll call it EPIC REVIEWS OF CRAP I ENJOY. By me. And it will be awesome because I am awesome.

I shall begin with movies. Specifically, alphabetically, Batman Begins.

I have an admission to make: I never saw Batman Begins. In fact, the thought never occurred to me to go see it. Why not? I really don’t know. I’ve seen all the others. The ones with Jim Carrey and AH-nold Schwarzenegger and George Clooney’s nipples. How in the hell did I manage to go three years without seeing the first really EPIC Batman movie? Because epic it was.

Christian Bale was—huh, how do I put this. On the one hand, I think he’s my favorite Batman. There isn’t anyone else who could have pulled it off better. And yet, throughout the movie, Nat and I could be heard saying things like, “I think he’d be better for this if he were like, five years older.” It’s sort of hard to explain. Older!Christian Bale would have been perfect. He’s one of those guys who gets hotter with age. Not like that’s a problem. Eventually we settled down when we accepted that this was, after all, Batman Begins. If he sticks with the series, I will be heard at the end of every movie saying, “Well, he just keeps getting better looking!”—and it will be true.

Katie Holmes. Katie-freaking-Holmes. What better reason could I have for disliking Rachel Dawes? Seriously, where did she even come from? Is she in the comics at all? I don’t recognize the name. I guess they needed something to ward off the gay before they even get to Robin. At some point in the past, a group of men looked at each other from across the boardroom table. The silence was thick. Finally, some new guy quietly asks, “So he’s a playboy billionaire who adopts a prepubescent boy from the circus? Isn’t that kind of…queer?” The other men at the table look nervous. New Guy hastily adds, “Maybe we should, uh, give him a girlfriend or something. You know. Just in case.” New Guy is then given a raise, a corner office, and a prepubescent circus boy of his very own. Hence: Rachel Dawes.

For the record, it’s not just the fact that she’s a cult member (Scientologist, whatever) that makes my stomach churn. Although it definitely weighs in. A lot. She also bores me. I don’t think she’s much of an actress. Technically, I know Holmes is only about five years Christian Bale’s junior, she just looks too damn young for her character to have been Bruce Wayne’s childhood friend. This isn’t a huge deal, yeah, and it still managed to annoy me throughout the whole movie.

On that note, I am completely stoked about Maggie Gyllenhaal taking over where Katie Holmes failed miserably.

Aside from being super-hot, she also looks age-appropriate. I would completely believe that Rachel Dawes (circa The Dark Knight) is a DA. Katie Holmes always looked like an intern. I am so excited. GAH. I was looking forward to seeing The Dark Knight long before I found out about Gyllenhaal joining the cast. Mostly because I was really hyped up about seeing Heath Ledger as the Joker. In fact, that hasn’t changed. It’s just gotten worse since I saw Batman Begins, and then about an hour ago, Nat and I watched an internet-leaked scene of the Joker robbing a bank and, and, and, oh hell.

(Am I the only one amused that Heath Ledger was gay with Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain and plays the Joker [ie, gay clown] with Maggie Gyllenhaal just a few years later? And then he died. I am sad. No, really. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER JOKER FOR ME.)

As a parting note, I’m also kind of excited that the Scarecrow has a cameo in The Dark Knight. I can’t help it. Cillian Murphy pulls off scary-pretty-crazy very well.

So yeah, BATMAN BEGINS was awesome. Except Katie Holmes. With luck, I’ll have forgotten she was even present after The Dark Knight comes out.

Okay I’m totally sick of my journal layout already. Damnit. Time for a new one :(

Also, I believe I may have time today to blog about comics. Mike delivered the mail to me about ten minutes ago and I discovered that out of TWO BINS filled to the top with crap, only one single package was actually for us. I went around to everyone who expects prompt delivery of their mail to explain they wouldn’t be getting it today, and I got a series of “Oh thank GOD”s. So yeah, I don’t really have much to do.

Today’s title brought to you by Nat, who made this for me last night:

Okay I know I haven’t been blogging about comics, which is kind of why I made this blog in the first place, but I’ve been so freakin’ busy this month I haven’t even had the time—and even this post isn’t about comics, because I have to get back to work! Instead, this post is about how ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWESOME this day has been.

1) My employee review was today, which I have been dreading for two months. Mostly because I’m neurotic like that, even though I know I’ve been doing really well. The review was incredibly casual and took all of five seconds. Seriously. Normally they drag me into a huge room and talk about my failures for fifteen minutes (can you see why I might dread it?). Today, Cary comes into my office and says, “Well, I’ve calculated your raise. You’ll be making $10.40 starting July 15th.”

“Wait, what?”

He looks apologetic. “I’m sorry, do you not want to do your review now?”

“Oh. Um. Yes, sure,” I say, and suddenly I am wracked with anxiety.

“Well, your raise is .25 cents. Sorry we couldn’t do more, it just wasn’t in the budget.” He’s going through his mail now, and we’re not even looking at each other since I’m still doing my own work. “I did try, since I’ve been very happy with your job performance this year. Except for the—”

“—the tardiness, yes, I know—”

“—but we already talked about that, and it’s gotten better. Don’t worry.”

I made a few dumbfounded noises, and we talked shop for a bit, and then he gave me a paper with my wage increase on it and that was all. I’ll be making an extra 600 dollars per year! Hellz yeah. It’s going straight to savings.

2) Speaking of savings. My bank has been mysteriously withdrawing 12 dollars per month from my savings for the last six months. I didn’t question it, forgot about it within days, until today when I finally snapped. I went to my bank and talked with my favorite teller (henceforth to be known as Teller Boy!) and explained it to him. He figured out that the woman who set up my account accidentally gave me one intended for CRAZY RICH PEOPLE. Or something. I was getting charged fees because I was supposed to maintain a minimum balance of 20,000 freaking dollars. No, seriously. They refunded all the money I lost (which, at this point, is just free money) and set me up for the proper one.

3) About a half hour ago I logged onto my timeclock for work to check my hours. I often find it comforting to calculate how many hours I’ve worked so I know what I’m making. I sometimes do this several times in a single day. Don’t judge. Anyway—so, I check my hours. I noticed I had a mysterious addition of eight hours that I know I didn’t work. Therefore, I went to talk to HR about it.

“I seem to have an extra eight hours I didn’t work,” I say.

“Oh, right,” says Colleen. “I forgot to tell you about that. Surprise!”

“Well, awesome, obviously. But, uh, why?”

“We were auditing and found out you didn’t get paid for working January 1st.”

“…Huh, really? Wow.” And then I did a dance. I danced my heart out, all the way from her desk to mine.

It’s been a very good day. I’m probably going to die tonight. Oh well!

Ugh. Too lazy for a real post. I’m just gonna copy Friday and make a list of various goings-on. Only mine has numbers instead of bullet-points. That’s how goddamn original I am.

1. Well, ECC was fucking fabulous. I only made it on Saturday since I had to work on Sunday, but I stuck around a while to make it worth it. I’ll post my con pictures in another post, I think. My spoils of con are as follows: (1) Questionable Content shirt that reads, “Clearly I have made some bad decisions”; (1) Penny Arcade shirt of the Fruit Fucker; (1) Penny Arcade poster; (1) adorably retro shirt of Batman and Robin.
2. JAAAAAAAMES.
3. I saw IRON MAN with Nat-Attack on–what was it, Friday or Thursday night? My God it was un-fucking-believable. We’ve already made plans to see it again this Thursday with Jessica from the bookstore. Tomorrow we’re seeing Prince Caspian, though. I haven’t felt like going to the theatres much this last year, but now I’m completely pumped to get back in the habit! Movies are AWESOME.
4. On a similar note: I am retardedly excited about the next Batman movie. Shitfuck. Today I bought that creepy “Why so serious?” poster with the Joker writing in what could be red paint, maybe blood, or even red lipstick. I mean, really. It’s the Joker. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S UP TO. I’m currently in the process of downloading Batman Begins because I never got around to seeing it sooner.
5. Man, Robert Downey Jr looked really awesome in Iron Man. Just saying. (Really awesome.)
6. Today I discovered that police auction websites are strangely addictive. I spent ten bucks on what might or might not be a real diamond ring. Somehow I sincerely doubt it, but I’m a goddamned girl, and girls, much like crows, adore glittery things. Real or not, IT’S SPARKLY.
7. I joined a gym. A gym. With people lifting weights and eating powerbars and getting all gross and sweaty! My doctor recommended I join one to lose the weight I gained when I went on medication, and now I’m actually very excited about it. For now I’d be happy just to lose the 15 pounds I’ve gained in the last six months but if I stick with it, I’d love to get down to, I don’t know, maybe a size ten? I’m still young, it’s possible!
8. In the past two days I’ve been hit on by three different guys. Although it’s entirely likely they did it on a dare from their buddies (this has so happened to me more than once), it still made me smile.
9. I’m hungry.
10. I finally got through my writer’s block by cheating on Conrad and writing Greed instead. Damnit. Of course it makes sense that the story I’ve been developing for fucking months would have to be put on hold for the story that exploded like a grenade in my brain last week. I love Greed Mackenzie. I’m just gonna sit over here and draw hearts around his name <3

Colin Mochrie is BATMAN!

I love Whose Line <3

I checked A Softer World this morning, and lo and behold, I found a link to this article that I am absolutely in love with. Villains are so very vogue.

The upcoming Batman movie will be the first one I’ve seen since the one with the very, uh, detailed suits—I think George Clooney was in it?—but I’m really looking forward to it. Mostly because I like it when famous pretty Hollywood stars play villains. Especially loony ones. I love the picture of Heath Ledger in the article, mostly because he looks like a deranged gay clown.

(…that was just too easy.)