what the bloggery

I AM IRON MAN AND SO CAN YOU.

At long last, I begin my Iron Man post! Partly because Nat’s been asking for it, but also because I’m kind of sick of playing Mario and Fishdom, therefore I am writing a review for a movie I have seen five times. We saw it on Independence Day last, because really, how best to celebrate your nation’s independence than watching a movie in which a bazillionaire womanizer in a metal suit blows up terrorists?

I cannot say this enough: I love this movie. And to think, I nearly didn’t see it! I wasn’t watching much TV at the time, so I wasn’t really up to date on the movies that were out and those coming out. Then one day, out of no where, Nat turns to me and says, “I think…I think I want to see Iron Man.”

“What, really?” I ask. As far as I knew, she hated superhero movies.

“Yeah, I think I do,” she said, looking sheepish. “I mean, it’s like he’s a hero, but he’s an asshole. Will you come with me if I go and see it?”

I agreed, and we went. And then again. And then again. And twice more. I’m not even sure how that happened! It’s like we woke up some mornings, blinked, and then we were at the theatre. Weeeeird.

AND NOW FOR THE BREAKDOWN.

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’sup, ladies. As most of you know, I’ve recently taken to living in sin with the one known as James, so things have been really hectic since we got back from Florida. Things are good, for the record, just busy. Which is probably why I haven’t managed to blog at all and why I have to keep promising Nat that yes, I will totally make up for all the days I missed. Which I guess I’ll have to, even if it takes me the rest of my days >:(

(oh yeah, I will post pictures when I get around to it—there are over 1100 of them, it might take me some time.)

Today Nat and I went to The Dreaming, which is a fantastic hub of geekery (also known as a comic book store), and our favorite place to get a fix. I spent about forty bucks on a combination of Nightwing and Angel: After the Fall. However, this isn’t my comic review—that will come later tonight, maybe—it was just so much fucking fun to be the only two girls in The Dreaming on New Comics Day. There was this one part where we were ripping into Urru’s art in Angel and we noticed that a store full of nerdy guys had fallen completely silent. Around six guys were attentively listening to us talk. That was so endearing it wasn’t even creepy.

On our way back to the Bookstore, Nat and I had the following conversation:

“So, where’s all those posts you owe me?” she asked.

“I’m working on them, I promise,” I said. “I’m trying to write my reviews for Iron Man and The Dark Knight, but I’m at a loss about what to say.”

The answer was quite simple, as all brilliant answers are.

“Dude,” she said. “Just babble.”

Brilliant. I’m not being sarcastic, either. I was putting way too much effing thought into this shit. On that note, I present to you my babble on The Dark Knight. I ain’t even gonna call it a review, as I don’t much bother with being objective or very thoughtful. I find it difficult to say anything constructive or even remotely critical about this movie, mostly because I love it too much to dare.

p.s. nat, does this mean you’ll update your blag as well?
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I HAVE RETURNED. I meant to post this much sooner, as I saw the movie on Friday night and it is now Monday night, but oh well. We got back late and it was a bit of a busy weekend. Besides, right after the movie, I was rather at a loss of what to say. It’s been a day and some change, so now I feel I might have a better chance at articulating how much I freaking loved this movie.

The Golden Army was astonishingly good. It was so beautiful and it, fuck, I want to use the word crafted. I want to crawl inside their world and live there forever. The pacing was fantastic; they crammed so fucking much into two hours that it felt like it was over in minutes and days at the same time. I loved this movie. I think it’s one of the best I’ve ever seen. I’m really, really not kidding. It was amazing. I honestly cannot think of a single negative thing to say about it. I will henceforth regard any such talk as blasphemy D:

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I am officially three posts behind. Oh well! The internet gods are not often fair. Also it’s been a long time since I was blogging regularly, you know, on the livejournal. How in the ever-loving hell did I find the time? I did start this post last night, but after eating my fill of delicious Nat-baked bread and getting season 4 of Atlantis in the mail, I was sort of distracted.

(Srsly though, that bread was fucking delicious. There were figs and dates and nuts involved. Mmmm. Bread.)

Wonderful baked goods aside, I am here to talk about the Hulk. Let it be on record that, like most comic book movies, I never actually thought I’d go in and see the movie. I certainly didn’t want to see the 2003 Hulk. Matter of fact, I still don’t! For one thing, that one doesn’t have Tony Stark in it. But Iron Man is another post entirely.

So yes—there we are, right after Iron Man, pondering whether or not we should see the Hulk as well. While I do not remember the exact conversation we had that decided our movie-going fate, it probably went something like this:

“It does have Edward Norton in it,” I reasoned.

“Don’t care,” replied Nat, unfazed. “It has Tony Stark.”

“For like five seconds at the end!”

“So?”

“Good point,” I said, for it was a good point. “Tim Roth’s in it, right?”

“EVERYBODY BE COOL THIS IS A ROBBERY yeah okay let’s go see the Hulk.”

And so we did.

—

Don’t quote me or nothin’, but that is most certainly the way I remember it. We went the night after it opened, which probably wasn’t the greatest idea. The theatre crowd we were stuck with were probably all serious movie-goers. They probably did not appreciate that every ten minutes, this could be heard:

“Oh shit Tim Roth,” hissed Nat.

“Seriously,” I would reply.

Ten minutes later:

“Oh shit Tim Roth,” I hissed.

“Seriously,” Nat would reply.

This went on throughout the whole movie. Also, we laughed a lot. Loudly and frequently. Often at odd, awkward things. We were the only two people who cracked the fuck up during the “HULK…SMASH!” scene. It might have been embarrassing if we gave a damn.

We saw it a second time—a week later? Two?—with Jessica from work. This time, the theatre was filled to the brim with nerds. You could tell which ones they were, too, depending on what they laughed at. When Stan Lee appeared (during our first viewing), very few people seemed to notice. During the second viewing, it felt like half the audience burst out laughing. It was good, being surrounded by our fellow geeks.

This time, we were not the only ones to laugh at the Hulk Smash. That was nice.

I haven’t even given my review yet? Here it is: dare I call it incredible? Is that too lame? Do I need to be taken out back and shot?

Let me put it this way, then, to avoid a beating: I paid to see it twice. Granted, I’ve paid to see Iron Man about what, five times now? But the two situations are hardly the same. I rarely see movies in theatres more than once unless they are just that good. And it was! I probably wouldn’t go to see it a third time in theatres, but it was definitely a fun movie. I fully intend to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

TIME TO BREAK IT DOWN:

Bruce Banner:

Oh, alliteration. How precious. I never even referred to him by that name once. Throughout the whole movie I just kept referring to him as Edward Norton. Or Edward-Norton-Hulk. I think he was great, though. The reason I like Edward Norton in general is because he looks like a very average guy. You could pass him on the street and not really notice him. This made him playing the freakin’ Hulk so much cooler. He has this deadpan way of acting that I really like. I could swear I could sense some Sheldon Mopes in his Bruce Banner, though, and if you’ve seen Death to Smoochie I’m sure you know what I mean.

Also I really enjoyed Tim Roth smacking him around. Don’t judge me.

The Hulk:

SHINY. I mean that in the literal sense. Not just during the scene in the rain (although yes, especially then), the Hulk always seemed to be glistening slightly. The graphics were so awesome though. I love special effects, shut up. The only thing that bugged me was his hair. How does the gamma radiation affect dead hair? That is a mystery to me, but oh well, who gives a fuck. I love that they tried to give a reason for why his pants manage to stay on when he transforms—we all appreciate it, I’m sure, although I still cannot suspend my disbelief when it comes to the pants. The cameo scene of his big purple Hulk-pants though, that was cute.

Tim Roth:

OH SHIT TIM ROTH. Seriously, he was the deciding factor in us going to see this movie. I loved him so much. He was so fucking badass through the whole thing. Oh yeah, and very hot. It seemed like he was shirtless through half his scenes, and I am not complaining. The one thing I am complaining about is his dialogue; he did not have nearly enough. They had him talking with some sexy Russian accent and he barely had any lines. This was not fair. I love that he was The Abomination. I think my favorite scene of the whole movie was where Sterns exclaims, “Why are you always hitting people?!” when Blonsky knocked out that SHEILD woman whose name I don’t care about.

General Ross:

He had some kind of Creepy Uncle thing going on with Emil Blonsky. That’s really all I remember about him. Oh, and, “Where does she find these guys?”. That was pretty great.

Tony Stark:

It’s fucking Tony Stark. Where could you possibly go wrong with that? The whole minute he spent in Hulk made it 23.6% better as a film. He came in, was hot, was clever, and then the movie was over and everyone was satisfied. You could just sense it in the air. Mmmm, Tony Stark. Anyway.

The romance:

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I did not enjoy that aspect of it at all. It was so nauseatingly Beauty and the Beast. The only thing that made it worth sitting through was when, just as they’re about to get to the sexin’, Edward Norton sheepishly says, “…I can’t get too—excited.” And I laughed my ass off, goddamnit.

Who am I forgetting?

Arwen:

Wait, wrong movie. I think. Whatever. She’s pretty.

Holy crap I’ve been writing this for two hours. Blargh!

Oh, Hellboy. I’m not entirely sure what to say about Hellboy, as it has been several weeks since we watched it, but I shall endeavor to do my best. Also, I promised Nat two posts today since I failed hardcore at producing one yesterday. The next one shall be about the HULK. Whoooo. But first, HELLBOY.

Funny story: when commercials for the first film came out, my thoughts were a bit like, “Huh, I guess that looks good,” and even when my friends confirmed that yes, it was good, I never made the effort to go see it. It wasn’t until I was in the theatre recently for…perhaps Iron Man?, and saw that first trailer for The Golden Army…shit, man. My thoughts went more like this: “JESUSFUCK I NEED TO SEE THAT MOVIE.”

Then I thought, “Huh, I should see the first one.” So I did. Well, we did, the partner in crime and I. Since we are connected at the fan-brain and all.

Goddamn, I don’t even want to talk about Hellboy. I just want to rave and flail my arms about in excitement for The Golden Army. It looks fucking stellar. I’m supposed to work some overtime on opening night, but today I thought about trading for a different night so that I can see it sooner. I am that freaking excited.

Er, back to the topic. Sort of. I have very mixed feelings about Selma Blair’s Liz Sherman. Firstly, when I saw her in the Hellboy trailers, I always thought she was a boy. Seriously. I was even disappointed when I realized she was a girl. I can’t explain that. It’s weird, I know. Although that it is not very important. The reason I am iffy about her is because Liz Sherman in the comic is so. fucking. bad. ass. I love Liz. I only liked Selma Blair’s Liz. I have a suspicion I will grow to like her more after The Golden Army, as I have recently read a snippet about how she’s less bleedin’ emo than she was in Hellboy. That would be super awesome, thanks :D

I ADORE ABE SAPIEN. His voice was driving me crazy throughout the whole thing, though. I kept thinking, “That fucking sounds like David Hyde Pierce!”, but somehow I didn’t think he was going under the pseudonym Doug Jones. Naturally it wasn’t until tonight (while browsing Wiki to refresh my memory) that I discovered David Hyde Pierce did in fact do the voice for Abe. He was just uncredited. Thanks for driving me absolutely batty, DHP, but I am very pleased to discover I was right. And oh yeah, in the subject of comics!Abe and movie!Abe…you know, there’s really not a lot of room to screw up Talking Fish Guy. I’m just sayin’. He’s blue. He wears nifty gear to walk on land. He is also adorable and very amusing.

Hellboy is…Hellboy. There is no room for improvement, because Ron Perlman could not possibly do a better job if he sold his soul to the Devil. Which would be strangely (and hilariously) appropriate. He has a room full of kittens. He eats stacks of pancakes and bacon.

…God, I want to be Hellboy. I REALLY DO. BRING ON THE BIG STONE HAND AND ANDROGYNOUS GIRLFRIEND.

There’s probably room for some kind of your mom joke there, but I am too damn lazy.

Apparently I have ten minutes to make a blog post about Blade: Trinity. This is what I get for promising a daily post: DEADLINES. Only this isn’t so much self-imposed but Nat-imposed, which is much scarier. She carries a knife and wields the fat one, a weapon I dare not tangle with. He’s very fat. Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, Blade. I love Blade. Sometimes, a girl needs an action movie. Just a fucking action movie. I love the explosions and the mindless slaughter and all the goddamn guns. Mostly, though, I loved Hannibal King. I mostly wanted to write something about Blade: Trinity to bring up the fact that Ryan-fucking-Reynolds will be playing Deadpool in the next X-Men movie. Words cannot describe how freakin’ PSYCHED I am about this. I’ve only barely read any Cable and Deadpool but you don’t need to read very much before you fall in some kind of weird, sick love with Deadpool. He’s insane. I like that kind of thing.

(I have, at this point, passed my deadline by an hour. I am so awesome! I got distracted by watching Blade: Trinity. By that, I mean I got distracted by Hannibal King.)

Wikipedia informs me that Ryan Reynold’s Hannibal King bears very little resemblance to the Hannibal King of the Blade comics. I learned from the Blade commentary that he wrote a lot of his dialogue himself. This leads me to believe that Ryan Reynolds is actually quite insane; the kind of insanity that bleeds over from real life and into film. I am so okay with that. This furthers my belief that he is perfect for Deadpool. (As Nat says, “He’s already Deadpool!”)

…well, I think she’s right.

I don’t even care if they make him all cancerous and diseased! IT WILL STILL BE AMAZING. I believe Ryan Reynolds has the power. I believe he will do Deadpool a justice. A fabulous kind of justice.

Now, if I allow myself to go back on topic, if just for a moment… I loved Danica Talos. Ahahah. Wow, do I love her. I didn’t, not at first, when I watched the tremendously edited version of the movie on TV. They managed to cut out just enough of her crazy to make me very disinterested. Also, her brother was played by Callum Keith Rennie and is therefore above reproach. For a fellow who only had about five minute’s worth of screen time throughout the whole movie, he certainly knew how to work them. He always pulls off “skeevy serial killer” and “pretty damn hot” at the same time. That takes skill.

I would have been more than happy if Danica and Asher had been the main villains for Trinity. They were creepy enough. They were interesting enough, not to mention the way they are kind of pretty and crazy together. Alas, no. We got…Drake.

Drake, they call him. I don’t know much about Dracula from the Marvel universe, but I think somehow they managed to turn the lord of the undead into some kind of…I don’t know. David Goyer called this look “Russian Mobster”. I could call it a lot of things. I want to call it a lot of things. They aren’t very nice, however, and I’m a fucking lady, for fuck’s sake.

I know this: he looks like a goddamn idiot. What is with that shirt? I get it, sex appeal! Right? Put your man-cupcakes away, hon, I don’t actually care that much. I get that he’s attractive, I do, I just think they were trying a little too hard and they failed to a stunning degree. Does Blade need more beefcake? They have WESLEY SNIPES (for the sane), Ryan Reynolds (for the insane), Callum Keith Rennie (for the Canadians), and Parker Posey for all of those who may or may not have enjoyed watching her grind her heel into Hannibal King’s chest. And I suppose we’ve also got Jessica Biel. Personally I found her and her “knife of sadness” too overwhelmingly generic.

I think I know what they were trying to do. Maybe they wanted something new. Some kind of Dracula we haven’t seen yet. Something more modern, less Transylvania and more… Metrosexia? Ugh. That was lame. Oh well, it’s almost two in the goddamn morning. Lame jokes and swearing is kind of my thing at this time of night. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS. Dudes who made Blade: I respect what you tried to do! However, I cannot stop myself from mocking you for what you did.

As of this weekend, I have seen all three Blade movies. I think all three of them were fucking badass. I love them, and this is why: You want vampires? You got vampires. You want a scary-ass motherfucker to run around and shoot guns and kill said vampires? You got Wesley Snipes. It’s kind of hard to fuck up a formula like that. I love Blade, because at the end of things, it delivers everything it promises.

…Except werewolves, because that would just be silly.

I have so much crap to talk about that, after being epically nagged to make a new post, I decided to make a series of posts instead of one very long one. One for every day, chronicling the stuff I’ve been watching and reading lately. This also gives me something to do when I’m bored out of my mind at work. I think I’ll call it EPIC REVIEWS OF CRAP I ENJOY. By me. And it will be awesome because I am awesome.

I shall begin with movies. Specifically, alphabetically, Batman Begins.

I have an admission to make: I never saw Batman Begins. In fact, the thought never occurred to me to go see it. Why not? I really don’t know. I’ve seen all the others. The ones with Jim Carrey and AH-nold Schwarzenegger and George Clooney’s nipples. How in the hell did I manage to go three years without seeing the first really EPIC Batman movie? Because epic it was.

Christian Bale was—huh, how do I put this. On the one hand, I think he’s my favorite Batman. There isn’t anyone else who could have pulled it off better. And yet, throughout the movie, Nat and I could be heard saying things like, “I think he’d be better for this if he were like, five years older.” It’s sort of hard to explain. Older!Christian Bale would have been perfect. He’s one of those guys who gets hotter with age. Not like that’s a problem. Eventually we settled down when we accepted that this was, after all, Batman Begins. If he sticks with the series, I will be heard at the end of every movie saying, “Well, he just keeps getting better looking!”—and it will be true.

Katie Holmes. Katie-freaking-Holmes. What better reason could I have for disliking Rachel Dawes? Seriously, where did she even come from? Is she in the comics at all? I don’t recognize the name. I guess they needed something to ward off the gay before they even get to Robin. At some point in the past, a group of men looked at each other from across the boardroom table. The silence was thick. Finally, some new guy quietly asks, “So he’s a playboy billionaire who adopts a prepubescent boy from the circus? Isn’t that kind of…queer?” The other men at the table look nervous. New Guy hastily adds, “Maybe we should, uh, give him a girlfriend or something. You know. Just in case.” New Guy is then given a raise, a corner office, and a prepubescent circus boy of his very own. Hence: Rachel Dawes.

For the record, it’s not just the fact that she’s a cult member (Scientologist, whatever) that makes my stomach churn. Although it definitely weighs in. A lot. She also bores me. I don’t think she’s much of an actress. Technically, I know Holmes is only about five years Christian Bale’s junior, she just looks too damn young for her character to have been Bruce Wayne’s childhood friend. This isn’t a huge deal, yeah, and it still managed to annoy me throughout the whole movie.

On that note, I am completely stoked about Maggie Gyllenhaal taking over where Katie Holmes failed miserably.

Aside from being super-hot, she also looks age-appropriate. I would completely believe that Rachel Dawes (circa The Dark Knight) is a DA. Katie Holmes always looked like an intern. I am so excited. GAH. I was looking forward to seeing The Dark Knight long before I found out about Gyllenhaal joining the cast. Mostly because I was really hyped up about seeing Heath Ledger as the Joker. In fact, that hasn’t changed. It’s just gotten worse since I saw Batman Begins, and then about an hour ago, Nat and I watched an internet-leaked scene of the Joker robbing a bank and, and, and, oh hell.

(Am I the only one amused that Heath Ledger was gay with Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain and plays the Joker [ie, gay clown] with Maggie Gyllenhaal just a few years later? And then he died. I am sad. No, really. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER JOKER FOR ME.)

As a parting note, I’m also kind of excited that the Scarecrow has a cameo in The Dark Knight. I can’t help it. Cillian Murphy pulls off scary-pretty-crazy very well.

So yeah, BATMAN BEGINS was awesome. Except Katie Holmes. With luck, I’ll have forgotten she was even present after The Dark Knight comes out.