what the bloggery

I AM IRON MAN AND SO CAN YOU.

At long last, I begin my Iron Man post! Partly because Nat’s been asking for it, but also because I’m kind of sick of playing Mario and Fishdom, therefore I am writing a review for a movie I have seen five times. We saw it on Independence Day last, because really, how best to celebrate your nation’s independence than watching a movie in which a bazillionaire womanizer in a metal suit blows up terrorists?

I cannot say this enough: I love this movie. And to think, I nearly didn’t see it! I wasn’t watching much TV at the time, so I wasn’t really up to date on the movies that were out and those coming out. Then one day, out of no where, Nat turns to me and says, “I think…I think I want to see Iron Man.”

“What, really?” I ask. As far as I knew, she hated superhero movies.

“Yeah, I think I do,” she said, looking sheepish. “I mean, it’s like he’s a hero, but he’s an asshole. Will you come with me if I go and see it?”

I agreed, and we went. And then again. And then again. And twice more. I’m not even sure how that happened! It’s like we woke up some mornings, blinked, and then we were at the theatre. Weeeeird.

AND NOW FOR THE BREAKDOWN.

Oh, Tony Stark. Where do I begin? I mean, just look at this guy:

What a douchebag, right? Look at that sleazy little goatee! …and yet. I would totally, totally hit that. If you tell me you would not, I shall call you a liar. Wait, no. That’d be a waste of time, since Tony Stark would already be on his way to your house to talk his way right into your pants. He’d succeed, too, and the next thing you know it’s twelve hours later and you can’t find your pants but Tony can’t help you find them because he’s already on his way to fight terrorists.

I think I might’ve gotten carried away there. Ah well, it’s been a long day. Besides, he’s just that awesome.

It’s been a few weeks now since Independence Day (like, seven), so my review is probably going to be lackluster. Like that matters. I SAW IT FIVE TIMES, that says a lot more than I possibly could in a page or two’s worth of babble, but I shall endeavor to do my best.

I knew I’d love Iron Man within, say, thirty seconds. Pretty much as soon as Back in Black kicked up, and the feeling only intensified exponentially in the following thirty seconds. Seriously though, the first five minutes of Iron Man were the best I’ve seen since that summer I saw X-Men 2 (three times) only for the opening scene where Nightcrawler nearly assassinates the President.

GODDAMNIT I LOVE THIS MOVIE. The dialogue cracks my shit up.

“I feel like you’re driving me to court-martial, this is crazy. What did I do? I feel like you’re going to pull over and snuff me.”

And:

“Well, you have excellent bone structure there. I’m kinda having a hard time not looking at you now. Is that weird?”

Yeah, that’s pretty much why I love the first scene so much. Not to mention the scene where he nearly gets blown up by his own missile and then there’s that shot of him lying on the ground and pulling at his shirt and the blood begins to pool darkly on his chest—okay, got carried away again. Really though, it was a brilliant scene. I was completely hooked from the start, and it just kept getting better.

I always want to say something about this picture, and then I get distracted and stare at him for a bit. Don’t judge, okay? Some people have Keanu or whatever, and I—mostly I have a bizarre assortment of Canadian and British dudes.

(…I want to see David Tennant’s Hamlet ._.)

Okay, new subject now. Iron Man wins at having a female lead that does not annoy the fuck out of me!

Also, Gwyneth Paltrow looks kind of cute with red hair like that. While not nearly as badass as Liz Sherman, nor is she very practical (there is no way she wouldn’t have fallen over and died wearing those ridiculous shoes at the end), she holds her own against Tony Stark, and that’s worthy of respect. And that scene with the blue dress? Fuck yeah.

One of the things I loved about this movie was that Pepper and Tony don’t become romantically involved. It seems like a good idea for all of five seconds at the, uh, Firefighter’s Fundraiser, and then they come to their bloody senses. Pepper puts it best, at the end: “You mean the night we danced? The night you went to get me a drink…and you just left me there? By myself? Is that the night you’re talking about? <3″

Oh, and her comment about “taking out the trash”—catty, but I freakin’ loved it. I haven’t read any Iron Man comics yet, so I don’t know how closely this Pepper resembles comics!Pepper. I do like her, though. I like about her what I liked about Rachel Dawes 2.0. She’s smart, capable, and kinda hot. I like wit in a woman the way Pepper likes her martinis: really, really dry, and with olives. Like, three olives.

I don’t have much to say about Stane except…well, he dresses like my boss and I can’t explain why, but that weirded me out.

“He has that exact shirt!” I hissed to Nat, who couldn’t care less. ” He even wears a yellow tie with it!”

Anyway, Stane was exceptionally creepy. I did love how super-slick they slipped in the name “Ironmonger”. I didn’t even notice! Maybe some people thought it was cheesy, but as someone who did not know that Ironmonger was Stane’s villain name the first time I watched the movie, I thought it was fairly clever.

Before I forget: kudos to the writers who are trying to update the Mandarin to be less of a, you know, deeply offensive representation of America’s terrified vision of Communism. He’s just a guy who idolizes Ghengis Khan! I find this highly acceptable. I imagine the name “Mandarin” will make a lot of people twitch, and rightly so, but to me it’s like my family trying to explain to our 92-year-old great grandmother why saying “them colored folk” isn’t politically correct. We hang our heads and remind ourselves that while it isn’t right, she can’t help being a product of her time, and the Mandarin is kind of like that.

I’m drawing this post to a close, but before I do, I think I’ll share some of the weird shit I stumbled across when I was looking for pictures to use.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON HERE AND I FIND IT HILARIOUS.

My only problem with this picture is that I don’t know who to root for. I—I really love Daleks, but Tony is Iron Man. WHO DO I CHOOSE.

Anyway, that’s all.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 19th, 2008 at 06:42 and is filed under movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.