The farting Pomeranian, and other tales.
Apparently I have ten minutes to make a blog post about Blade: Trinity. This is what I get for promising a daily post: DEADLINES. Only this isn’t so much self-imposed but Nat-imposed, which is much scarier. She carries a knife and wields the fat one, a weapon I dare not tangle with. He’s very fat. Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, Blade. I love Blade. Sometimes, a girl needs an action movie. Just a fucking action movie. I love the explosions and the mindless slaughter and all the goddamn guns. Mostly, though, I loved Hannibal King. I mostly wanted to write something about Blade: Trinity to bring up the fact that Ryan-fucking-Reynolds will be playing Deadpool in the next X-Men movie. Words cannot describe how freakin’ PSYCHED I am about this. I’ve only barely read any Cable and Deadpool but you don’t need to read very much before you fall in some kind of weird, sick love with Deadpool. He’s insane. I like that kind of thing.
(I have, at this point, passed my deadline by an hour. I am so awesome! I got distracted by watching Blade: Trinity. By that, I mean I got distracted by Hannibal King.)
Wikipedia informs me that Ryan Reynold’s Hannibal King bears very little resemblance to the Hannibal King of the Blade comics. I learned from the Blade commentary that he wrote a lot of his dialogue himself. This leads me to believe that Ryan Reynolds is actually quite insane; the kind of insanity that bleeds over from real life and into film. I am so okay with that. This furthers my belief that he is perfect for Deadpool. (As Nat says, “He’s already Deadpool!”)
…well, I think she’s right.
I don’t even care if they make him all cancerous and diseased! IT WILL STILL BE AMAZING. I believe Ryan Reynolds has the power. I believe he will do Deadpool a justice. A fabulous kind of justice.
Now, if I allow myself to go back on topic, if just for a moment… I loved Danica Talos. Ahahah. Wow, do I love her. I didn’t, not at first, when I watched the tremendously edited version of the movie on TV. They managed to cut out just enough of her crazy to make me very disinterested. Also, her brother was played by Callum Keith Rennie and is therefore above reproach. For a fellow who only had about five minute’s worth of screen time throughout the whole movie, he certainly knew how to work them. He always pulls off “skeevy serial killer” and “pretty damn hot” at the same time. That takes skill.
I would have been more than happy if Danica and Asher had been the main villains for Trinity. They were creepy enough. They were interesting enough, not to mention the way they are kind of pretty and crazy together. Alas, no. We got…Drake.
Drake, they call him. I don’t know much about Dracula from the Marvel universe, but I think somehow they managed to turn the lord of the undead into some kind of…I don’t know. David Goyer called this look “Russian Mobster”. I could call it a lot of things. I want to call it a lot of things. They aren’t very nice, however, and I’m a fucking lady, for fuck’s sake.
I know this: he looks like a goddamn idiot. What is with that shirt? I get it, sex appeal! Right? Put your man-cupcakes away, hon, I don’t actually care that much. I get that he’s attractive, I do, I just think they were trying a little too hard and they failed to a stunning degree. Does Blade need more beefcake? They have WESLEY SNIPES (for the sane), Ryan Reynolds (for the insane), Callum Keith Rennie (for the Canadians), and Parker Posey for all of those who may or may not have enjoyed watching her grind her heel into Hannibal King’s chest. And I suppose we’ve also got Jessica Biel. Personally I found her and her “knife of sadness” too overwhelmingly generic.
I think I know what they were trying to do. Maybe they wanted something new. Some kind of Dracula we haven’t seen yet. Something more modern, less Transylvania and more… Metrosexia? Ugh. That was lame. Oh well, it’s almost two in the goddamn morning. Lame jokes and swearing is kind of my thing at this time of night. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS. Dudes who made Blade: I respect what you tried to do! However, I cannot stop myself from mocking you for what you did.
As of this weekend, I have seen all three Blade movies. I think all three of them were fucking badass. I love them, and this is why: You want vampires? You got vampires. You want a scary-ass motherfucker to run around and shoot guns and kill said vampires? You got Wesley Snipes. It’s kind of hard to fuck up a formula like that. I love Blade, because at the end of things, it delivers everything it promises.
…Except werewolves, because that would just be silly.